Avatars – Vestoj http://vestoj.com The Platform for Critical Thinking on Fashion Thu, 04 May 2023 05:45:24 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.5 The side hustle in your closet http://vestoj.com/the-side-hustle-in-your-closet/ http://vestoj.com/the-side-hustle-in-your-closet/#respond Wed, 27 May 2020 13:57:06 +0000 http://vestoj.com/?p=10502  

Robert Capa, Gen X girl, Colette Laurent, in her closet, Paris, 1952.

I didn’t really understand the value of eBay until a friend showed me her Watch List. She scrolled through an archive of Junya, Comme and Dior as if she were sifting through her own closet of carefully curated finds. Now, when I’m tired or stoned or just thirsty for something new, I’ll hunt through streams of blurry images in search of Cavalli animal prints and vintage Galliano. I fav a $40,000 rhinestone encrusted Tom Ford for Gucci jacket and stilettos that won’t fit. It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to buy them anyway.

Once the domain of savvy collectors and aspirational housewives in search of affordable monogram, resale shopping apps like eBay and Poshmark have since become a two billion dollar industry catering to everyone from millennials seeking to tap into the growing gig economy, to Supreme junkies in search of the latest drop.

Across the web, the joys of recommerce are sold through creative copy in apps and on news sites like Forbes, who peddle the promise of neoliberalism with headlines like ‘Do You Have a Hidden Side-Hustle in Your Closet?’1 For the eco-conscious and Kondo-savvy, repurposing used goods is only natural, and so is making money online. But for the fashion-obsessed, resale apps offer more than discount designer. Aspiring stylists and archivists use sites like eBay to uncover lesser-known brands or rare items from established designers, utilising their discovery mechanisms as portals into more in-depth explorations of old trends or runway shows.

Curated apps, like Grailed and The RealReal, help buyers and collectors gauge the value of goods — like this season’s ‘must-have’ Margiela tabis2 — encouraging users to participate in circular economies of style: the incessant buying and selling of used goods as a means to consume more. But within these regenerative shopping networks there’s another, arguably more democratic, trend emerging, one that often eliminates the need to buy things altogether. It’s the practice of saving items to likes, carts, and online wish lists — what I like to call ‘virtual shopping.’

Like Instagram and Pinterest, resale apps can be used as mood boards, enabling users to virtually collect goods as a means to generate new identities on and offline. According to a 2013 study by consumer culture scholars Mike Molesworth and Janice Denegri-Knott titled Digital Virtual Consumption as Transformative Space, these temporary states of ownership, like saving a pair of Dr Martens on Depop, enable users to ‘initiate a journey of self-knowing through object knowing.’3 In other words, we no longer have to buy things to feel their impact on our sense of self; we can just save them to our wish lists instead.

For today’s shoppers, discovery is half the fun of online shopping, especially when it comes to searching for used items — things not everyone can find in stores. But just like vintage shopping IRL, virtual shopping can simulate longing, anxiety and a feeling of missed opportunity. But according to Denegri-Knott, it can also help enhance our self-esteem, promote ethical consumption and deliver new modes of enjoyment and pleasure.4 If we can participate in fashion in the same way that we play video games, then our opportunities for personal exploration via resale apps should be as vast as the sandbox worlds that mirror them.

In the world of recommerce, virtual shopping is the new consumerism that everyone can afford. But do resale apps really change the way we shop? Can they free us from our physical enslavement to consumerism? Or do they compel us to dive deeper into a cycle of buying and selling goods, rendering every image, object and aspiration in our lives as something to be consumed and resold?

Virtual shopping exists within a liminoid space, what cultural theorist Rob Shields defines as a meeting point of the imaginary and the material.5 Like window shopping, this in-between mode of consumption encourages fantasy and play, but it can also simulate aspirational desires, like the need to consume above your means. In his book The Empire of Things, historian Frank Trentmann describes how social innovation at the turn of the twentieth century resulted in the development of advanced technologies that triggered new modes of consumption, similar to the effects of online shopping today.6 In fin de siècle Paris, he says, newly constructed grand boulevards facilitated the orderly flow of goods and people, blurring commercial and public space with brightly lit storefronts that acted as extensions of main traffic arteries.7 For the first time, luxury items were on display for the masses, expanding desires for previously unattainable goods. Household objects, priced cheaper to encourage accelerated turnover, were no longer purchased solely for their utility, but also for their ability to signal wealth and status.

This surge in consumerism, defined as ‘conspicuous consumption’ by Thorstein Veblen in 1899, put new pressures on women, who were then responsible not only for the cooking and cleaning, but also for purchasing clothing and housewares that reflected familial status and smarts. For the average consumer, this included silk dresses, tapestries, and newly available knick knacks from overseas. For the elite, this meant sourcing antiques and hard to find collectables, luxury goods that weren’t yet available to the masses.

Today’s shoppers similarly perform mental and physical labour in order to achieve idealised luxury lifestyles both online and IRL. Buyers and sellers on resale apps act as entrepreneurial subjects, sifting through blogs, Pinterest boards, and influencer accounts in order to uncover the most compelling trends and the looks that mirror them. This neoliberal encroachment of production onto all facets of consumer behaviour has resulted in the proliferation of what scholar Elizabeth Wissinger refers to as glamour labour, ‘the body work to manage appearance in person and the online image work to create and maintain one’s “cool” quotient — how hooked up, tuned in, and “in the know” one is.’8

As our real-life identities become blurred with those of our online avatars, so do our notions of work and play, and nowhere is this more apparent than within social networks like Instagram and on the resale platforms that mimic them. In a recent blog post, Poshmark CEO Manish Chandra hailed ‘social commerce’ as the way of the future, citing community building as the key to driving engagement, building trust, and selling goods online.9 To Chandra, influencer markets are essential to selling clothes, and the best way to tap into them is by making shopping networks feel more like social media. But beyond likes, shares and friendly copy inspiring users to ‘join the community,’ social commerce isn’t really all that social.

Instead, shopping platforms mimic social media in other ways. On Depop, sellers are offered a handbook of tips to help them set up their own ‘bedroom empire,’ what amounts to a brightly coloured pitch deck that might also be used to explain how to get popular on Instagram.10 According to the handbook, the best way to make money is by taking ‘model shots’ — well-lit, full-body photos that show the item you are trying to sell styled into a look. But for sellers, listing items on Depop involves more than doing your makeup and setting up a selfie timer. Like an aspiring influencer you need to create a brand identity, grow your followers, and stay up-to-date with the latest trends — immaterial forms of work or ‘glamour labour’ that may seem stressful but for many, are actually fun.

‘The time I spend on the app is definitely worth it,’ one Depop seller told me on Reddit. ‘Every time I’m active it’s an opportunity to make money for myself doing what I enjoy.’

Virtual shopping can be social, though not necessarily in the way platform developers intended. Endless messaging boards and Instagram accounts dedicated to weird eBay finds and vintage collections act as alternative malls, offering thrifters new ways to share their hauls with larger audiences, sometimes without even shopping at all. For example, Instagram user Vivian Xe shares her watchlisted eBay items to a dedicated account called @lucky_jewel_iwanttt.11 Followers heart matching Miu Miu cowhide sets and third eye prosthetics, commenting their praise under pictures of vintage platforms or asking for links so they can buy them for themselves. ‘It’s like blurring the line between physically consuming something and just having it in some entangled web on the internet,’ Xe told me over the phone. ‘I’m getting rid of the potential energy that I’m holding.’12

Almost everyone I spoke to while researching this essay had some kind of relationship to virtual shopping. Like me, many of my friends confessed that scrolling through eBay or Amazon was for them a soothing distraction. But unlike the shameful confession of someone whose Instagram screen time exceeds two hours a day, my shopping-addicted peers seem to take pride in their practice, as if sourcing cheap Giorgio Armani is in itself an artform. I can’t help but agree. Surely snooping through a random Las Vegas stripper’s simulated closet on Poshmark is a better use of time than scrolling through pictures of skinny girls wearing I.AM.GIA on Instagram. Especially if you’re not buying anything.

In an era where trends proliferate faster than the seasonal shows that once spawned them, recommerce apps have the power to both dictate trend cycles and undermine them too. When fangirls buying out used Saddlebags leads to their re-issue at Dior, it’s easy to see how secondary markets can manipulate the fashion industry. But what happens when shoppers sit out trends altogether? If buyers can get gratification from simply browsing online, there’s no need to splurge on conspicuous consumption goods. If you keep that Balenciaga City bag in your RealReal wishlist for long enough, you might forget why you even wanted it, especially if you couldn’t really afford it in the first place.

Like giving up fast fashion, opting out of IRL shopping can feel like a radical act, but Janice Denegri-Knott, the co-author of Digital Virtual Consumption as Transformative Space, isn’t so sure. If collecting designer clothing in digital baskets contributes to a sense of ownership that causes one to abandon online shopping altogether, she tells me, virtual consumption could be considered radical. ‘But because our attention is the ultimate commodity in the digital economy, escaping market forces altogether is unlikely.’13

Like the streets of Paris at the turn of the century, resale applications are constructed to capture our attention and maximise the time we spend shopping. Auctions, push notifications, and emails announcing price drops get users to open their apps while explore pages and likes encourage them to stay and play. But in the age of big data, it’s not only our dollars that corporations are after. In The Age of Surveillance Capitalism, Shoshanna Zubkoff argues that it’s not goods, but people and the data they generate that are the most valuable resources online.14 Not only can platforms use our data to sell ads to corporations, but they can also use it to modify our behaviour IRL.

If that’s the case, it’s no wonder that apps like Poshmark and eBay promote the virtual consumption and collection of goods. The more time we spend online, the more apps know about how and what we consume. For example, if you make a purchase in the early evening on a Wednesday night, the next time you’re feeling tired and stressed at the end of a work day, you might find an email in your inbox announcing a discount on an item you previously liked. These small modes of behaviour modification might seem trivial, but when we take into account all the ways in which our actions are tracked throughout the day, like at the coffee shop when you use your debit card, or when the Instagram app overhears you saying you need new underwear, the opportunities for targeting become unlimited, increasing the pressures to buy.

But virtual consumption has its benefits, too. For example, ‘If we see consumption as enabling us to achieve goals that are important to us, searching for collectables on eBay shouldn’t be seen as detrimental,’ says Denegri-Knott. ‘Collecting may be something that we enjoy with our loved ones, or be an activity that allows us develop skills and knowledge.’15

Those that hit the ‘buy now’ button produce value too. Real people make real money selling on apps like Poshmark and eBay, and buying used clothes frees woke consumers from the guilt of buying new. What’s more, alternative economies have emerged from ‘sharing’ platforms. On Depop, users have found innovative ways to trade items with those who have similar tastes, while virtual communities like @lucky_jewel_i_wanttt have turned into pop ups IRL. And while extensive packaging and air shipping might not scream sustainability, the growth of resale platforms has made buying used the norm for a whole new generation of people who thought thrifting was just for hipsters. ‘I was that weirdo whose parents couldn’t afford to buy trendy name-brand stuff,’ one Depop user told me on Reddit. ‘To have people buy and wear my thrift selections and handmade pieces is very validating, like… I knew I had good taste!’

For those who can manage to save up enough money for a pair of Yeezys from Goat.com, the question then becomes whether or not buying them is worth it. In the 2018 essay Kinky Labour Supply and the Attention Tax, Venmo co-founder Andrew Kortina and designer Namrata Patel speculate that for young men in America, buying conspicuous consumption goods isn’t worth the trade-off.16 Most people shop to show off their goods online, and while it’s easier to find like-minded people on the internet, like in the case of Vivian Xe, standing out among the noise is harder than ever. Instead of working more to buy expensive goods, Kortina and Patel argue, young men are more likely to spend time consuming the content available to them for free online. Put simply, unless you’re already rich and famous, the amount of likes you get for posting a photo in a ‘GUCCY’ sweater isn’t worth the cost. Investing in a new Fortnite skin is a better payoff.

Of course, not everyone is keen on making avatars and scrolling through eBay. For those with IRL jobs, how we dress is often as important as our physical and mental abilities, especially for women. Still, it’s not hard to imagine a future wherein our daily lives are lived in uniform and our consumer identities are fulfilled online. Social media already allow us to create fantasy worlds where we can post pictures of places we never went, photoshop our waists to be smaller, and even pretend to be someone else altogether, so why not do the same with clothes?

Whether or not we will consume digital goods in the future isn’t really up for debate, but just how we’ll pay for the use of these objects is yet to be seen. It’s easy to envision a future dominated by monopolistic platforms that keep us confined to algorithmic content tunnels, but we can also consider a less sinister one wherein people can exchange their data in fair, transparent ways for the use of online goods and services. This might include subscription networks or blockchain-based tokens that can be used to represent virtual garments or artworks that can grow in value and scarcity over time. Whatever the method, the future is virtual, and if people want to create new realities as a means to escape the mundanity of their real life ones, so be it. After all, fashion is a creative endeavour and if we want to express it online, we should be able to, especially when everything else feels like it’s outside of our control.

 

Taylore Scarabelli is a New York-based writer whose work focuses on fashion, feminism and technology. She is fond of Ed Hardy and fist-size hoops.

This article was originally published in Vestoj On Capital, available for purchase here.

 

 

 

 

 

 


  1. https://www.forbes.com/sites/lorihil/2018/01/26/do-you-have-a-hidden-side-hustle-in-your-closet/#37049f591c34 

  2. https://www.businessoffashion.com/articles/intelligence/why-fashion-loves-the-margiela-tabi-boot 

  3. R W. Belk and R Llamas, The Routledge Companion to Digital Consumption. Abingdon, Oxon: Routledge, 2013, p.230. 

  4. Email interview with Janice Denegri-Knott 

  5. R W. Belk and R Llamas, The Routledge Companion to Digital Consumption. Abingdon, Oxon: Routledge, 2013, p.225. 

  6. F Trentmann, The Empire of Things. New York, NY: Harper, 2016 

  7. Ibid. p.455. 

  8. E Wissinger. ‘#NoFilter: Models, Glamour Labor, and the Age of the Blink,’ Theorizing the Web, Vol 1, Issue 1: 2014 

  9. https://blog.poshmark.com/2019/01/31/a-year-in-social-commerce-a-report-by-poshmark/ 

  10. https://sellers.depop.com/Seller_Handbook_Final_US.pdf 

  11. https://www.instagram.com/lucky_jewel_iwanttt/ 

  12. Phone interview with Vivian Xe 

  13. Email interview with Janice Denegri Knott 

  14. S Zubkoff, The Age of Surveillance Capitalism, New York, NY: Public Affairs, 2019 

  15. Email interview with Janice Denegri-Knott 

  16. https://kortina.nyc/essays/kinky-labor-supply-and-the-attention-tax/ 

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That’s Not Me http://vestoj.com/thats-not-me/ http://vestoj.com/thats-not-me/#respond Tue, 23 Apr 2019 17:00:59 +0000 http://vestoj.com/?p=10114
Weronika Gęsicka, Untitled # 5, 2015.

I RECENTLY READ ABOUT a former Playboy model who, while at the gym, took a photo of a nude seventy-one-year-old woman and posted it on Snapchat with the caption, ‘If I can’t unsee this then you can’t either.’

Criminal charges of invasion of privacy were brought.

What she did haunted me. The idea that a woman possesses a body that should be hidden, that is an affront to be witnessed for whatever reason – and that another woman did not hesitate to hold her up to public contempt – it all chilled me to my core.

She apologised in the media, after there was outrage, saying, ‘Body shaming is wrong and that’s not what I’m about, that’s not the type of person I am.’

Now we have the term body shaming for what she did, but still her argument haunts me, that claim we hear so often,

‘THAT’S NOT ME.’

I started becoming overweight as young child, after a family friend had molested me in a most insidious way. It wasn’t just body shame that became embedded, it was a splitting of identity, a taking leave of my body, as he masturbated me and then punished me by spanking me, often at the same time, merging the intensity of both in a horrible tangling of synapses which I have never been able to undo.

‘THIS IS NOT ME.’ Words that felt like my credo, my epitaph.

If I were a boy, this would not be happening, the thought logically followed. He said he did these things because I was a bad dirty girl. And when I gained weight, he was not pleased. I put on more weight. That was a way of keeping a safe me THAT WAS NOT ME.

My grandparents escaped from a Europe that had been a constant struggle for basic survival. My internal DNA is hardwired to survive on little food.

But the women in my family seem genetically engineered to equate nurturing with nourishing plus noshing.

‘Eat bubulah, eat!’ I too was encouraged, more food heaped on my plate. But as my body grew, I was no healthy Russian babushka. I was a fat American kid. ‘What use is a fat girl!’ I also was told. Clothes for overweight girls were not readily found. The section my mother took me to when buying clothes was called Husky – like the dog.

My last name is Albert. There was a popular TV show in the U.S. at the time, created by Bill Cosby, the main character being a morbidly obese African American boy. The title song had him singing, ‘Hey Hey Hey, It’s Fat Albert.’ That was the taunt which followed me throughout grade school.

In grade school, other little girls wore things that created an image; there was a blonde German girl who wore delicate dirndl dresses, creating the aura of Heidi of the Swiss Alps. All the girls wanted to dress like her. There was a craze of white overalls with light blue stripes, the ones a train engineer might wear: every girl in third grade had a pair of OshKosh B’Gosh overalls. Except me. They did not make overalls for Huskies. I was stuck in hideous stretch pants in primary colours. I wore what fit me, even though the early Seventies was ground zero for jeans, and I longed for them. When I was in fourth grade, the department store Sears started making Husky-sized Toughskins, and when I wore my first pair of jeans, even though they were plaid, I wept.

At night in my head I watched stories of boys, lithe boys, Oliver Twist and Artful Dodger boys, one look at them, and you’d understand their story. They could tell stories of abuse, they were allowed, they were not dirty fat ugly little girls. They were the allowed stories; the culture gave permission for mischievous boys like Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer.

What I wore hid the scars. Disclosed nothing. Invited no further interest or imagination. It was obvious that whoever was creating the clothes I had to wear had no interest in putting any creativity into it. The message was clear, your being is not worth anything. Your body must be covered so we don’t have to see it. My clothes were not designed, they were cut, sewn together and sold.

My Barbie dolls became my theater. My mother had taught me to sew; I became a fashion designer of story and played out my truth, the dolls enduring sexual and physical abuse, abandonment. The young girl Skipper dolls were dressed as boys, the boy dolls dressed as girls.

I knew this was some sick shit. I knew something was very wrong with me, but in the safety of my bedroom, I would let it rip.

My Barbies got the extra forbidden treat of using their outfits to dress according to their storyline, and however twisted it was, that did not stop me.

When I got into punk at age fourteen in 1979, I was already a truant and had dropped out of school. Finally there was music that expressed all my rage and disgust with the hypocrisy of pretty much fucking everything around me.

Combat boots, ripped clothes, leather jackets – they were the story of survival.

But I wanted to wear what the boys wore, not the girls – who even in this new Blade Runner frontier were regulated mostly to the role of arm candy, girlfriend, in short skirts and fishnets. I wanted to wear the fast lines of the rude boys, the early skins before they were synonymous with National Front and racism. To my story-hungry self, the outfits looked like safety, like empowerment, to be protected within the clean lines of Sta-Prest Levi jeans, oxblood Doc Martens, Fred Perry polos, ready to fight and to run.

I would reach a weight for maybe a day when I could fit into jeans, only to have what I now understand as addiction take over. It was my default setting, anything that brought up complex feelings, sexuality, would retrigger my buried trauma, and the only thing I could allow myself to focus on was my weight, overeating, and with it, the endless cycle of shame – always leading to the same result, knowing my body was wrong, was shameful, was something to hide.

I witnessed girls who were fat and did not hide their bodies, they displayed their meaty legs in short skirts, wobbled in high heels, squeezed themselves into tight tops – and while I silently cheered them on, marvelling at their braveness, I saw them mocked, spat on, taunted. The big girls who dared to don bulky leather jackets, fit themselves into jeans and boots, had bottles thrown at them, ‘bull dyke’ shouted at them. Delicate women would roll their eyes, huff with disgust if having to share a bus seat with any person of size.

People were proud to be the self-appointed judges – don’t tell me who you are! – informing these woman that they had no right to attract attention or tell any story other than embarrassment.

I studied how others used their body to tell stories, to create images – usually very different from who they were.

Fashion is a very potent way to not be who you are, to be hidden in plain sight. There were girls who dressed provocatively but were virginal, guys whose clothing resembled devil worshippers,’ but were in fact sweet yeshiva boys.

THAT’S NOT ME became that could be me, that might be me. I’m going to play with making you think THAT’S ME.

I’m going to play with making me think THAT’S ME.

My inner life of boys with stories of trauma was brimming over within me, but without the physical capacity or outlet to manifest themselves, they spilled their stories onto hotlines to anyone who would listen, and finally onto the page, creating vivid imagery of who they were, how they dressed, what they looked like. They demanded to be seen.

It was something that was always there. I would stare at photos of guys, Road Warrior/Artful Dodger types and think, THAT IS A ME. I’m one of them.

The stories came first, the fiction books, where the boys that were inside me described their world. I wrote stories the only way I could, using an avatar. JT LeRoy became my asbestos gloves to handle material I otherwise could not touch. He wrote stories that became novels and were published as fiction books which were received with acclaim.

The emotional truths of the landscape I described in Sarah, felt authenticity, resonated. Magazines wanted to photograph the architect of this magical world, they wanted to show who this being was. They wanted to see him.

Even more importantly, he wanted his own body, he wanted to be seen.

No matter how fat I got, I could not contain him.

Like the archetypal myth of Athena emerging from Zeus’s head – or more like the creature bursting out of its host’s stomach in Alien – my creation would no longer be content to exist within me, it wanted escape. He wanted escape.

I found different host bodies until he finally settled into one, like locating that rare impossible blood-donor match. I finally had a human Barbie doll to connect the story in varying dimensions. My sister-in-law was an ideal host. She was starting to explore the parameters of gender expressionism for herself. What I was doing in language, she had the capacity and willingness to embody. We achieved the impossible, and JT LeRoy became a real human boy.

I picked out clothes that I craved to wear, at a shoot for a German magazine showing JT with a shaved head, a Fred Perry shirt, baggy rude boy pants, on a skateboard, dark shades to hide the eyes.

As the demand for more photos increased, the options did as well. I incorporated wigs and sunglasses, a nod to Andy Warhol – he had sent out avatars wearing his signature wig and sunglasses, to give his paid speeches.

I picked JT’s clothes the way I longed to dress myself. My sister-in-law bound her breasts to disguise her femaleness, something I had tried to do as a teen but because of my fat, the bind made bulges that made it obvious I was wearing a wrap, it only humiliated me.

Then the JT LeRoy work started to have a life of its own. One of the first photo shoots we did with JT was for The Face – revealingly titled ‘What It Feels Like For A Boy.’ Shot by Kate Garner, it showed JT wearing a domino mask, dressed on top like Angus Young, in a white collared shirt, with a schoolboy tie, but on the bottom, a tartan mini-skirt and chain, black stockings. He’s in a wig, like Warhol. I stood behind the scenes, out of camera range, in a muu-muu type dress, picking out everything that I would never dare wear. Shirley Manson, the singer from the rock group Garbage, said the photo of JT LeRoy caught her eye and she bought a copy of Sarah and loved it, and passed the book to Bono of U2, who read also the work and then raved about it in Rolling Stone.

People started passing the book to one another, Sarah was what people would carry around on the train as a signifier, communicating to others that the norm did not apply to them. Sarah explored all my themes of abuse, abandonment, gender identity – longing to be the other, becoming the other, even re-creating truth with Barbie dolls – it is all there and it resonated.

As I watched JT fully inhabit his being and realise his authentic self, my own body began to change. I had weight loss surgery, and shed one hundred and seventy pounds, ‘You’ve lost an entire person!’ people will often comment when they hear how much I once weighed. But I didn’t lose him, he got free of me, and I got free of him.

For the first time in my life, I was able to play with dressing my body the way I wanted to, but I still was not at home in my skin. I took on another avatar, Speedie, who allowed me to be an advocate for JT and for myself. She was fearless and confident, and she didn’t seem to give a shit what anyone thought. Speedie was my Dumbo’s feather, being inside her enabled me to show up for situations where I otherwise would never have dared appear.

As Speedie I would go with JT to fashion designers, and it was always very clear that nothing they had would fit me. But not long after my surgery, having dropped a significant amount of weight, I was wearing wrap dresses that I’d tie in tight.

We were in Italy with the actress Asia Argento, when Ennio Capasa, the designer for Costume National, invited us to his headquarters in Milan.

I knew how this would play out, he would go through his gorgeous designs and we would select clothes for JT.

But something different happened. Ennio took out clothes for me, which were not plus size – they were ‘normal.’

We were going to meet Madonna in London, but we had no winter coats, coming from California. ‘Well, that’s like meeting the Queen,’ he laughed. ‘You want to be dressed for it!’

‘Well, JT… but me?’

‘Why not? I have just the thing.’

I stood there, in amazement, as he produced a coat with woven peacock plumes in its design.

‘This is you,’ he told me. But he would have to ship it to us in London, he said, as that very coat would be worn by a model on the runway.

‘Wait, this is model size?!’ I gasped.

‘You don’t know your size?’ Ennio marvelled.

I explained to him about the weight loss, and he went to work, pulling out items that not only would fit me, but which I also wanted to wear.

Ennio optioned part of Sarah and used it to open his show, reprinting it in the DVD book and crediting Sarah as inspiration.

Other designers did as well, Richie Rich from Heatherette and Gary Graham brought the Oliver Twist, gender play, West Virginian truck stop subculture, a world I had created, to the runways, and truck stop garb became a fashion staple.

JT LeRoy – big blonde wig and oversized sunglasses in a gender-ambiguous outfit – became a Halloween costume.

This was not a case of The Emperor’s New Clothes. It was really, The Emperor Knew Clothes.

Clothing was described with the same care and love as food in my nov- els. ‘All Glad’s pavement princesses dress so comely in the most delicate silks from China, fine lace from France, and degenerate leather from Germany.’

Near the end, when The New York Times was tugging pretty hard at the curtain surrounding JT LeRoy, the artist Robert Wilson came to San Francisco to photograph him. By then he understood JT LeRoy to be an avatar, he understood the felt authenticity of the creation of JT LeRoy – the fiction books, the playing with fashion, with gender, with identity, all of it. And he knew that JT LeRoy would last beyond the controversy of the revelation that this world was my creation.

I currently spend my days working on my memoir, my life story, and the repeated theme for me is learning to find a home in my body. How to dress my body to uncover who I am and WHAT WAS NOT ME.

When I stood in front of a mirror, my weight at three hundred and twenty pounds, all I could say was, ‘THAT’S NOT ME.’

And this, even though that me had taken over my life by then. I would buy clothes to cover me up; how they looked, well, that was not really much of an option to consider. It was hard for me to tie my shoes, to wipe myself on the toilet, to turn around; everyday actions were all getting tougher. In the shower I had to lift my stomach to clean it. In public people seemed scared of me, white thin women especially, as if they might catch it from me. ‘That is what being out of control looks like,’ I heard one whisper to another behind my back.

If I had turned to them and said, ‘THAT’S NOT ME,’ would they have understood? I didn’t fully understand it myself. But I knew that wasn’t me.

Gustave Flaubert is said to have pointed out how different he was from the title character of his novel Madame Bovary, yet the legends of literary history recall him declaring, ‘Madame Bovary, c’est moi!’ Legend has prevailed in our memory because it’s hard to believe that Flaubert would have failed to recognise the dynamic described so eloquently by the great Flaubert enthusiast Oscar Wilde: ‘All art being to a certain degree a mode of acting, an attempt to realise one’s own personality on some imaginative plane out of reach of the trammeling accidents and limitations of real life.’

Among the limitations that real life imposes upon personality, the body tops the list. That’s why the art of fashion was born – and why it never stops changing and why it never goes backwards (no matter what earlier flourishes it may revive). Because each generation needs its own shroud within which the body can die and be born anew, reinvented and redefined. Anything else and we start to become unintelligible to ourselves. For a society to function, you have to be able to recognise yourself and say, ‘THAT’S ME.’

 

Laura Albert has published three books as Jeremiah ‘Terminator’ (or JT) Leroy: Sarah, The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things and Harold’s End. In 2001, she chose Savannah Knoop, her sister-in-law, to play the role of JT in public – typically decked out in a blond wig and oversized sunglasses – and Laura herself began to appear as JT’s friend Speedie/Emily Fraser. In the mid-2000s, JT was revealed to be a fictional creation in a series of magazine articles published in the Houston Press, New York magazine, The New York Times and Vanity Fair.

This article was originally published in Vestoj: On Authenticity, available for purchase here.

Vestoj-On-Authenticity

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